Does That Come With Extra Butter?

Pass the honey dipped....make mine a double....can you throw some extra jimmies on that for me? Eat, drink and be merry - it's all for the good of the economy.

The fear mongers were out in full force last week with the report that New Hampshire and Maine are the fattest states in New England - this seemingly is a problem as the National Guard was called in to fire tear gas cannisters in the general direction of the Red Arrow Diner in order to quell any uprisings by the militant late night diner crowd. In a related note, fried dough stands at the Hopkinton Fair will be replaced by Tofurky offerings being sold by Phish fans with dirty feet.

What's the issue with people enjoying food completely out of moderation? We are consistently told by the media and our elected officials that the economy is in need of creative solutions - why not eat our way out of the recession? Think my logic is faulty? Well consider this:

Overeating is great for the local restaurant community as well as neighborhood markets. Conspicuous consumption is something that Americans are known for, so why shouldn't New Hampshire take the lead? People ordering second helpings, dessert and additional soft drinks adds to the restaurant's coffers allowing them to hire additional staff, raise salaries and expand their facilities. It also makes patrons slower and groggier, decreasing the crime rate for those so inclined to toss a brick through a window after being shut off three hours shy of last call.

Overeating is also a boon to our community's medical and dental practices. Hypertension, diabetes, liver disease and mobility problems are all byproducts of spending too much time at the dairy bar and not enough time on the Stairmaster. Given last week's news of 25.7 percent of Granite Staters enjoying the benefits of pork sausage topped off with a side of pan drippings, doctors are salivating as new patients line up at the door. Equally joyous are insurance providers who can now spin a new tale of "who's going to take care of little Johnny when you're gone?"

Finally, the greatest economic beneficiary of our weighty problem is the funeral industry which up until recently was in grave danger of suffering through a dead patch. Overweight people tend to die faster, require larger coffins and take up more space in local cemeteries, making the purchase of a second plot not only an option but a necessity. For the first time in many moons, your neighborhood mortician and funeral director are smiling wider than the front row of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad. Let me see those TEETH!!

Obviously, I don't feel that this is a problem that needs to be solved. Of course, that won't stop school officials from trying to take chips out of the candy machine, totally ignoring the fact that a heavy student is a student less likely to catch and pummel you. Nor will it stop the furrowed brow crowd from trying to spending countless tax dollars to commission new reports and issue new recommendations on how we can be better, happier and healthier human beings. It's all about the children, don't ya know.

But in the meantime, I'm going to sit down with a large pepperoni pizza, a basket of cheesy fries, a pack of smokes (I don't even smoke but I'd really like to take it up as a habit) and some creme soda and have a bit of a siesta. Don't bother calling me to go out for a jog - I'm not going. Too busy helping out the economy and eating bon bons....

NHBR blogger Steve Boucher is neither fat nor skinny. His mother says that he is just about right but that he has crazy ideas that make her very nervous.