Drowned, Downed and at the End of My Rope

Irony is when horrible inexplicable things that happen to strangers. Tragedy is when the same thing happens to me.

For what seems like the last three or four years, the New Hampshire Department of Resources and Economic Development has been helping victims of every natural disaster imaginable - floods, fires, ice storms, tornados, swarms of locusts...you name it. Well, last Thursday evening, our Department encountered a disaster of our own as a six foot section of pipe burst in our main headquarters, sending zillions of gallons of water cascading through our offices. Paperwork, computers and personal effects were all sent adrift while the Skipper, Gilligan and the rest of the gang tried to salvage what was left after the last trickle hit the carpet.

For the first couple of days, I went through the Elizabeth Kubler Ross stages of dying until anger and denial led to ultimate acceptance....and then I decided to circle right back and start at angry again. So if you're expecting a shiny, happy column this week, you might want to log out and visit Ashton Kutcher's Twitter page or some California guru's daily affirmation site. I truly need this space as a cathartic venting ground for the latest things that have been raising my ire.

Companies With No Voice Mail - It's 2010. If you're running a business that isn't a general store selling homemade root beer and wax lips, live a little and shell out a few bucks for a voice mail system. For starters, your hired help will never quite take down the message the way that I would have conveyed it on a recording and second, it just seems a bit too retro to be believable in today's fast paced marketplace. If you don't purchase a voice mail system, I will refuse to leave a message and will call your company every five minutes on the hour until I talk to the person I need to do business with - it's not a threat, it's a promise.

The Communications Road to Nowhere - Why is it that some companies feel the need to shroud themselves in the type of secrecy that is most closely associated with terrorist cells, religious sects and the Almighty Oz? It used to be that credit card companies were the only businesses that acted like the Illuminati, but now it seems that everyone is getting into the act. Just yesterday, it took me over 35 minutes to find a phone number for a company and by that time, their operators were either on the ninth hole or on their third lemonade while watching "Dancing With the Stars." What are you afraid of? Shed your veil and stick your ugly face out in the light just long enough for me to paintbrush it with the back of my hand.

Bicylists - We've only had less than a week of great weather and I've already almost made three bicyclists the subject of the latest tragic headline in the Union Leader. Can we just come to an agreement? You stick to the righthand side of the road and I'll take the center. Let's be honest here - if there's a decision to be made about crossing the center line and going head on with an SUV vs. swerving to the right and putting you over my hood, it doesn't take Nostradamus to figure out my thought process. And the lycra shirts and skin tight tops? Lose them - they don't do anything for the male frame. In short, please observe the rules of the road and cover up so that I don't have to launch into a preemptive anatomy discussion with my 11-year-old daughter.

The Chipmunks - Is there any sound more grating to the human ear than the sing songy, high pitched, computer generated warblings of four chipmunks blasting out their version of a Black Eyed Peas song? I think not. I passed by my son's room the other day and was instantly repelled by a sound that made me instantly seek solace on the front porch where I secretly plotted to toss his new CD frisbee style into the woods where it would find its final resting place next to the dead Christmas trees from our last three celebrations. I'd honestly rather listen to reggae music and that should tell you something.

Blue Tooth as a Fashion Accessory - Why is it that whenever I see one of those things I want to smack them off of someone's head? I can't tell you how many times I've answered a question from someone who I thought was talking to me but was instead immersed in conversation adorned in the latest in tech geek chic. Some may believe that my Monarchs cap with faux attached mullet is trashy....I say that your blue tooth makes you look like a self important tool. If I find one unattended in a coffee shop, I will step on it and amble away laughing uproariously.

Well, that's all of the venom I can spill at this moment, but I'm sure that there's more in the pit of my soul. However, I can feel equally assured that the carpet will dry, life will resume to semi-normal and I'll soon return to my home office. And in the meantime, there are still some bicylists I can target while talking on my blue tooth and listening to Alvin, Simon and the boys....

Steve Boucher is the Communications & Legislative Director for the soggy yet still fully functioning NH Division of Economic Development. You can visit his "No Bull Business Blog" online at www.nheconomy.com.