I Saw Your Sign and It's Lacking

Some people see signs in the darndest things - the Lord Almighty's face in a lifeguard flag, an evil premonition brought on by temporary stomach upset or the appearance of a black cat, a stiffening in the legs at the slightest onset of inclement weather...but nooooooooo, not me. I'm one of those weirdos who just see signs in....well...signs.

Over the last few weeks, I've been blessed enough to see enough mind jarring signs to fill an entire blog posting or ten. It seems like New England has lost its ability to craft sign postings that actually make sense or don't require a team of interpreters. Whatever happened to the simplicity of a billboard that reads "The wages of sin is death"? Very simple, direct and to the point. There will be no jury trial, no appeal to the Great One's better sensibilities...you sin, you take the gas pipe. Get it, got it, good.

Consider the sign that I saw posted on the gas pump at my local "gas and go" recently - "Please prepay first before pumping." Amazingly enough, I was initially under the impression that I would need to prepay second or third before pumping. What was the step I was missing in between? Adjusting the wiper blades? Checking the tire pressure?

Better yet was the sign that I saw at a Maine beach that said, "Absolutely no dogs allowed between the hours of 7 a.m.-6 p.m. You must clean up after your pet 24-7." If my dog is doing his business at a time not alluded to on your sign, I don't think it's really any of your business whether I'm disposing of his smelly chocolate treats, letting them harden for use as hockey pucks or leaving them in a flaming bag on a neighbor's doorstep. What happens between 7 a.m.-6 p.m. is ALL MINE.

Or how about the sign at a major fast food chain that read, "Lobster is back - tell all of your friends!!"? Well, I don't know about you, but I can't imagine having to fight the urge to cut the wheel tight to get to the soft shoulder just in time to call my best bud and say, "Did you know that lobster rolls are back on the menu at ____? IT'S AMAZING. Let's set up a phone tree and let half of West Manchester know." By the letter of the law, the sign was actually accurate, but it doesn't come even remotely close to passing the plausibility sniff test. And if you do actually dial someone up to inform them about the reappearance of lobster at the local dine and dash, something tells me that you could use a break from your other hobby of collecting fingernails in a jar.

Finally, there was the sign in the bathroom that read, "Use soap and warm water if your hands look dirty." Egads. Though this sign was part of a directive sent out by a health agency, they have implicitly given every grubber in the state a free pass on the simple act of hand washing. Well, my hands didn't look dirty....there was no visible filth under the cuticles - I shook hands with everyone from the CEO all the way to the questionable dude who chases parked cars at lunch, rubbed my hands across my underarms to make sure that my deodorant lives up to its stellar reputation and visited the restroom at least three times, but my hands don't look dirty so I'm going to walk past the sink and get on with my life. You actually had to go three bulletpoints down on the sign to see that you need to use an alcohol rub if your hands don't look dirty, but are, in fact, soiled. By that time, most people are on to waging their next holy war on the sacred rite of sanitation.

Let this be a cautionary tale for business owners and bureaucrats alike- your signs have meaning, so maximize their efficiency. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't get overly cute or create messaging so complex that you need a PhD, decoder ring and a team of Harvard physicists to get the point. Adopt the philosophy of the Swedish pop stars Ace of Base who said it best when they let the world know "I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes." All signs and marketing should open up our eyes to new opportunities and possibilities and if not, maybe an alternative method of communication might be advisable...smoke signals, walkie talkie, telepathy.....anything but a sign that causes more questions than it ever answers.

Steve Boucher washes his hands both obsessively and compulsively and finds inspiration in something as simple as a Loudon Road sign that reads "U.S. Census Bureau Now in Back of Mattress Discounters."